The Basics of Responding to a Party Invitation (I'm Looking At You) 11.08.2013

You've received an invitation to a party or tea or event or thing -- but you have not responded yes or no.  What are you waiting for?

This is pretty much my question to everyone about everything in life.  But lately, I've been irked by slackers who do not RSVP.  I have not conducted a scientific study, but can tell you with absolute certainty that the majority of people who get invited to events/parties/stuff do not bother to RSVP.  Do you know why?  Because if you do, PLEASE for the LOVE of everything that is happiness TELL ME!

I'm the laziest person I know and I respond to 92% of invitations I receive almost immediately*.  You know why?  Because the host of whatever event I'm going to better have enough champagne for me.  I will not accept half-filled flutes so the slackers who show up without RSVPing can have some too.  

Through my unscientific research, I've learned that I know a lot of people who also are irked by slackers who do not RSVP.  I've been asking people why they think people do not RSVP and there is a common thought:  people are waiting for better plans to come along before committing to your event. 

Listen:  you are lucky to be receiving any kind of invitation because there is some bad shit going on in this world.  Hunger, war, torture, disease, poverty -- all sorts of crap that is incredibly depressing and here you are, getting an invitation to a party.  But for some reason, you are unable to respond.  And this BS about waiting for a better offer?  Unacceptable.  If that's true, cut it out.  Now.  You are only allowed to wait for a better offer if you are a douche bag.  End of discussion.

And you know what else happens when you don't bother to RSVP right away?  The host feels like crap.  It's true.  Been there, own the t-shirt.  I'm laying down the law, right here, right now:  you get an invitation either RSVP right away or let the host know in an email or phone call that you're trying to figure out your schedule and will RSVP as soon as possible.  This person is laying out food and possibly really good booze for you -- don't let them down with your bad manners.

Also, "I'm busy and haven't had time to respond," is not an excuse.  Here is what I've discovered in my 43-year-old life:  everyone is busy.  Really.  I promise you.  Everyone has shit going on, everyone has stress, and everyone is busy.  It's all different stuff, but we feel it the same way. 

And if you're still having trouble responding to an invitation after reading this, well, today is your lucky day.  I've put together a pretty impressive, well thought out flow chart of what you should do when you receive any invitation.       

You are welcome.

Note to email readers:  go to this LINK to see the awesome chart. Why isn't the chart showing up in your email?  My entire IT department is on a meditation retreat. Seriously IT guys?  Meditation retreat?!  WTF?

* I have ADD and I sometimes will read an email or open mail and think, "Oh, this is lovely…oh look!  A unicorn!"  And then days go by.  While this cannot be classified as official Douche Baggery, it's pretty close and I know that.  To everyone who has ever received a tardy RSVP from me:  chicken curry at my house for you!

Party Planning Tips: So You've Decided to Throw a Baby Shower 08.06.2013

Have you ever been to a baby shower and thought, "When the hell can I leave?"  Or, "Why is everyone acting like an alien?"  I have.  Far too many times.  I have thrown two this year and have attended countless baby showers in my adult life.  I have many thoughts on how to entertain (Martha can't be the only expert around here) and am writing today about throwing an off-the-hook baby shower.  That's right:  Off. The. Hook.  

People are constantly getting knocked up so there is always opportunity to host and/or attend a baby shower.  But let's start by stating what we all kind of generally know:  baby showers suck.  They do.  This age old ritual of getting a woman ready for one of her biggest jobs has turned so cute I just can't stand it.  

And it only takes some simple steps to turn what could be a painful, boring event into a fun few hours for everyone involved.  In the first of my "how-to-entertain" posts, I have formulated questions you may have about throwing a baby shower, and I have answered them.  You are welcome.

What are my priorities for the baby shower?

Good question.  You have two priorities:

1.  The mother feels spoiled.

2.  Everyone in attendance is well-fed and has access to alcohol.

Should the baby shower be women-only or coed?

Entirely up to the mother.

I think shower games are a super-fun idea.  Which games should I plan?

You know who loves sitting through baby shower games?  No one.

I was thinking of putting out some cookies and tea sandwiches and a cake.  Do you think this is enough food for a baby shower?

No, it is not.  Make/order more than you will need.  Even if your shower is a cocktail party, make more food than people will eat.  And make sure you're not serving anything that the guest of honor cannot eat.  

I am concerned that the mother will feel alienated if I serve alcohol.  

First of all, you are going to be so attentive to her needs that it won't matter.  Second, because baby showers suck, people will be really happy that you served alcohol.  I promise.  And it's fun to have a signature drink.  When I was pregnant with my daughter, my brother contributed a case of Veuve Clicquot pink champagne to the shower.  Classy and awesome.  

Should the mother open the presents at the baby shower?

Up to her.  

How crazy do I need to go with decorations?

The location of the baby shower should look fabulous.  As with any party you are throwing for another human being, the honoree should feel honored that you paid such attention to details.  Flowers, balloons, etc. are great.  Go for it.  But no cute banner signs.

I've been to baby showers with favors for everyone attending...should I have favors?

No.  No one cares about favors.  Just have lots of yummy food and everyone will be happy.  I promise.

What should I do if my pregnant friend goes into labor at the baby shower?

Make sure she calls her OB and someone who has not been drinking at the shower has her en route to the hospital.  After she leaves, refill everyone's drinks, put on music, and start dancing.  Good vibes for a healthy delivery are in order.

I don't know some of the people that the mother has included on the guest list.  Should I have asked her to only invite people I know?  

Again, this is not about you.  It's about surrounding a pregnant woman with love.  Besides, don't you like meeting new people?

There are several people coming to the party who are not in relationships or don't have children and I think it might be a little tough for them to see this woman getting so much attention for something they don't have and really want.  How can I ease their pain?

You cannot.  There are always a band of people nursing thoughts of "When the hell is going to be MY turn?" and "Why can't I have the happiness this couple has?"  If someone starts whining, tell him or her to buck up.

What about the annoying people who have kids -- how can I keep them from acting like they know everything?

You cannot.  Experienced procreators are suddenly renowned parenting experts with sage advice and stories from the battlefield that are scary for new parents and should not be told.  But, much like the "awwwwwing" during gift opening, it's unavoidable.  People cannot help themselves.  They think they are doing you a favor by warning you about projectile diarrhea.  No one needs to know that in advance. 

Have more questions about entertaining?  Send them to Four4Courses@gmail.com.