How to Talk to a Jehovah's Witness About Sexy Time 10.01.2013

Yesterday I was working at my kitchen counter, which overlooks our front walkway.  It's one of my favorite work spaces because it allows me to see what's going on on my street (a lot of drivers speeding) and I get to wave at the postman and the cute UPS guy.  Yesterday, I was writing, minding my own business, when two women walked up to our door.

They were Jehovah's Witnesses and wanted to discuss the pain and suffering in the world.  One woman appeared to be in her early 70s, and the other in her 20s maybe, and she  stood quietly behind the elder woman.  These women informed me that God is angry from all the "sins of the flesh" people are committing, which results in global pain and suffering.  Once I clarified they were referring to sex between two (or more? I don't judge) people, I said in my most matter-of-fact voice possible:

"I don't think sex is causing all the pain and suffering in the world.  I think there are a lot of people who are lost or confused or damaged even, and that creates chaos."

"Okay," said the older of the two women.  And before she could go on to her next thought, I said:  "Sins of the flesh are actually quite enjoyable."


"In fact," I continued, "I think if people spent more time engaging in sins of the flesh, there would be less pain and suffering in the world.  People would be too busy having fun to cause harm."

Both women looked irritated and were not buying my argument.  But I wasn't buying their argument either.  The phone rang, I wished both women well, and they left, visibly disappointed they did not walk this Sinner down the Path of Good.

I've never understood the thinking that sex is a gateway to destruction.  Even as a kid (long before I knew sins of the flesh) I thought sexy time looked like a good time.  I have this clear memory of watching a movie during a family gathering when I was about 12 with a conservative Indian girl who was 16 or so.  I don't remember the movie but I remember her saying:  "There's too much sex on TV."

First of all, what 16-year-old says that?  That makes zero sense to me. Second, I responded:  "Really?  I think there's too much violence on TV."

Because come on:  doesn't sex look like more fun than shooting people or blowing up buildings?  (If you're a lost, confused, or damaged person, do not answer that question.)

I was convinced that the JV women would find my sexy talk so discouraging they would not return to my house, but my friend Andrew assures me they will be back weekly:  

"Let me put this in Breaking Bad terms:  Religious meth heads are easily addicted to people who (a) give them the time of day and (b) look like a conversion project."

I'll be waiting for that knock at the door (See that? That's another Breaking Bad reference!).  In the mean time, who's with me?  Do you want to make the world a better place?  Good.  I want everyone to take a pledge right now, right here to have some good, quality sexy time by the end of this week.  Twice if you're in it to win it.



  1. Mission accomplished! Thanks for tasking me.

    1. Happy to do whatever I can to save the world. Hope you were in it to win it!