The Basics of Responding to a Party Invitation (I'm Looking At You) 11.08.2013

You've received an invitation to a party or tea or event or thing -- but you have not responded yes or no.  What are you waiting for?

This is pretty much my question to everyone about everything in life.  But lately, I've been irked by slackers who do not RSVP.  I have not conducted a scientific study, but can tell you with absolute certainty that the majority of people who get invited to events/parties/stuff do not bother to RSVP.  Do you know why?  Because if you do, PLEASE for the LOVE of everything that is happiness TELL ME!

I'm the laziest person I know and I respond to 92% of invitations I receive almost immediately*.  You know why?  Because the host of whatever event I'm going to better have enough champagne for me.  I will not accept half-filled flutes so the slackers who show up without RSVPing can have some too.  

Through my unscientific research, I've learned that I know a lot of people who also are irked by slackers who do not RSVP.  I've been asking people why they think people do not RSVP and there is a common thought:  people are waiting for better plans to come along before committing to your event. 

Listen:  you are lucky to be receiving any kind of invitation because there is some bad shit going on in this world.  Hunger, war, torture, disease, poverty -- all sorts of crap that is incredibly depressing and here you are, getting an invitation to a party.  But for some reason, you are unable to respond.  And this BS about waiting for a better offer?  Unacceptable.  If that's true, cut it out.  Now.  You are only allowed to wait for a better offer if you are a douche bag.  End of discussion.

And you know what else happens when you don't bother to RSVP right away?  The host feels like crap.  It's true.  Been there, own the t-shirt.  I'm laying down the law, right here, right now:  you get an invitation either RSVP right away or let the host know in an email or phone call that you're trying to figure out your schedule and will RSVP as soon as possible.  This person is laying out food and possibly really good booze for you -- don't let them down with your bad manners.

Also, "I'm busy and haven't had time to respond," is not an excuse.  Here is what I've discovered in my 43-year-old life:  everyone is busy.  Really.  I promise you.  Everyone has shit going on, everyone has stress, and everyone is busy.  It's all different stuff, but we feel it the same way. 

And if you're still having trouble responding to an invitation after reading this, well, today is your lucky day.  I've put together a pretty impressive, well thought out flow chart of what you should do when you receive any invitation.       

You are welcome.

Note to email readers:  go to this LINK to see the awesome chart. Why isn't the chart showing up in your email?  My entire IT department is on a meditation retreat. Seriously IT guys?  Meditation retreat?!  WTF?

* I have ADD and I sometimes will read an email or open mail and think, "Oh, this is lovely…oh look!  A unicorn!"  And then days go by.  While this cannot be classified as official Douche Baggery, it's pretty close and I know that.  To everyone who has ever received a tardy RSVP from me:  chicken curry at my house for you!

So You’ve Decided to Write a Christmas Letter 10.30.2013

I don’t know how to tell you this, but Christmas letters are the WORST.  I say this knowing full well that if you send me a Christmas letter, I will not only read every word of it, I will read every word of it out loud so Eric can experience the letter with me.  I will pause to say things like:  “Awwww,” or  “We should skydive!”  And Eric will say things like:  “Do you know where my phone is?” or “What do you want for dinner?”  He’s not listening, but he is making dinner so I’m not complaining. 

But let’s get back to the point at hand:  Christmas letters are the WORST.  I cannot stand them.  Someone needs to write The Guidelines to Writing Christmas Letters or banish them.  Or maybe people need to write an outline first, have someone approve it, and then they can write the damn thing.

Look, it’s all good.  Life happens in the details.  But dispensing information about your colonoscopy is not okay.

I am writing about Christmas letters because I’m about to order our holiday cards, and recently made up received a slew of questions from fake people about Christmas letter etiquette.  So, grab a glass of champagne, and watch me help out these lost souls!

Hi Sindhu!  I’m not Christian but I really want to write a Christmas letter.  Is that okay?

Um…yeah.  I’m Hindu, Eric is Jewish (Hinjews!) and we wrap presents in Santa Claus paper.  Life is short.  Do what makes you happy and doesn’t hurt other people.  If the word “Christmas” gets your panties in a knot, call it a “holiday” letter. 

I’ve had a really rough year and I feel like everyone should know about it.  Is that okay?

Yes and no.  As with class letters to your alma mater, be honest and ask this question:  what's really important in my life?  Going through a divorce?  I want to know about it: it’s part of your year.  What I don’t think belongs in a Christmas letter is the extensive therapy you’re going through (good for you BTW!) or how much you hate your ex -- understandable but you're messing up your chi.  

My son Bobby hit three home runs in Little League – is this something I should include in a Christmas letter?

Look, I think it’s awesome that Bobby hit three home runs.  Really.  But that’s what Facebook is for.  Keep the Christmas letter focused on the big stuff.  Now if Bobby is 8 and he jumped out of a plane, put that in the letter.  And then hope no one calls Child Protective Services.

My wife and I have a draft of our Christmas letter, which is seven pages long – and it’s only October!  Do you think we need to shorten it?

Seriously? Stop! Christmas letters should be one page, one-sided in large enough font that I don’t have to take out my damn reading glasses.  Photos on the backside are welcome.

I think confetti is so festive -- is it okay to put confetti in a holiday letter?

No.  It is not.  If you do this, I will never open mail from you again. 

I’ve been working on a poem about my year in iambic pentameter and I am beyond excited to send it out.  Do you think poems for Christmas letters are a good idea?

I’m on the fence about this.  This is really a “know your audience” thing.  For example, if I sent a poem to my brother, he wouldn’t get past the first line.  But if I sent a poem to my friends who give a crap about poetry, they would read the whole thing and might even appreciate it.  Know your audience.

I get a Christmas letter from a family that only focuses the contents of the letter on their three kids.  I find it annoying.  Am I being harsh?

You are 100% right on the money.  Look, I get it:  I’m a life giver and I know how wonderfully intense it is to have kids.  Everything they do is awesome and you want everyone to know about it.  But it can’t be all about them.  It just can’t.  You can’t stop being part of the picture.  Whenever I get holiday cards with just kids in the photos, I immediately think:  Where the hell is the rest of the family?  Get your ass in the picture people!

Have real questions about etiquette?  Send them to me!  I'm running three businesses right now and I'm sure I'll have time to answer them!  Send your questions or comments to Four4Courses@gmail.com.